Bittersweet
by hauntedlullabies
Summary: (adjective): both pleasant and painful [Mikasa x Annie]


_Pain is never permanent, but tonight it's killing me_

The orange glow emanating off of the silky flames of the bonfire lit up the night sky, traveling behind the girls' cabin to illuminate the purest cerulean eyes. Her eyes looked as icy as the hands on her torso felt. Were Mikasa's hands always this cold? She couldn't think on it right then; her mind was clouded and she didn't want to stray from enjoying these last moments with her, with everyone.

They hadn't talked about it much. The topic was more damaging than it seemed. Mikasa was going with Eren and Armin to the Survey Corps, and Annie was joining the Military Police. And why would they talk about it? After all, Annie had her secrets, and though it was highly unlikely, she'd rather not be the first one one to know about Mikasa's death if it were to ever occur.

First starting out as a trainee, Annie promised herself she wouldn't get attached to anyone to spare herself the grief. She promised herself she'd repress any sort of feeling or emotion that could distract her from her mission. She was there for a _reason_ , and she intended to follow through. But there she was, the strong, silent, beautiful girl who was one of the best and strongest soldiers in the 104th Trainees Squad melting the frozen walls that Annie had built up around herself.

"Kick some titan ass while you're out there," she said softly, cupping Mikasa's face with one hand, caressing her cheek with her thumb. The taller girl just looked down at her solemnly, tucking a loose strand of blonde hair behind her ear. Annie saw the sorrow in her eyes, then looked away sheepishly. Mikasa probably arrived with the same intentions as her, and now _she_ was the one affecting her emotions.

 _You're in my head_

"Whatever the Military Police does, I know you'll do it well." Mikasa took her hand in her own. "And… I'll miss you." Annie didn't say it back. She felt it, but she wasn't good with saying things like that. She knew she felt something so intense for Mikasa, so special, but she couldn't say it. Those three words that everyone expressed so easily about everyone and everything that it ends up becoming an empty statement. In her heart she knew the other girl understood, because she didn't say it either.

Mikasa had seen her, naked and open and shy. She was the one who tugged the blanket away, the one to tell her that her own body was a work of art. Every night they spent together, touching, feeling, experiencing. Annie tended to hide herself, fight away from everyone. She'll forever remember when Mikasa held her down on the bed and had shown her what love really was. Something they were unable to say, only give to each other.

Annie pulled on her red scarf, bringing her down for a kiss. Mikasa followed her lead, pushing her gently against the wall of the cabin to embrace under the stars. Not even the other girl's body heat or the warmth of her mouth could relieve her heart from the frosted shackles it was imprisoned in. They pulled away, Mikasa's lips lingering for a few seconds before kissing her again. She lifted Annie by the hips, her legs hugging her waist. The taste of her tonight would only make it harder to say their final farewell tomorrow. The bittersweet affection was what Annie was initially trying to avoid, but her pain and desire overcame her self-control. She held onto Mikasa desperately, tangling her fingers in thick black hair as incessant tears slid down her pale cheeks.

"Be strong for me," Mikasa murmured, letting Annie drop to the ground. The taller girl rested her forehead against the other's, eyes shut tight as she held her. They stood there silently, both waiting for an indication of movement or sound. Instead, Annie remained in her arms, letting her breaths settle as they were comfortable in each other's embrace. Laughter and joyful conversation sneaked its way to their ears, tempting them to go and join their friends. Reluctantly breaking away, Annie knew it was for the best. They'd go their separate ways, follow their own paths, and maybe meet up again in the future, where things will be better. But Annie was prone to pessimism, and she was doubtful of that happening.

 _I'm the last thing you'd remember_

Despite that, they sat by the fire, savoring their possibly last bit of seldom bliss. Annie wiped her eyes with her sleeve, finding herself smiling slightly. The heat of the dancing flames smoothed the goosebumps from her skin, although Mikasa's hand was still freezing on top of hers. She looked up at the smoke rising, azure meeting ashy black, sending shivers down her spine. Her thought was knocked from her mind as Connie asked her about her choice for tomorrow. Annie knew where she was going, and she knew what would happen. She knew, but what she wanted had altered since arriving at the Scouting Legion. She was told her life would change when signing up to risk her own existence for the sake of humanity, and it did, but not nearly as much as falling for the girl sitting next to her.

So she just coolly answered Connie, soaking in the positivity around her. Maybe she would be able to see Mikasa again in the future, and for a second she almost regretted never formally telling her how she truly felt. A reassuring squeeze of her hand told her that the soldier knew what she was thinking, and she traced her thumb around the back of her hand in small circles. Mikasa was intelligent, but it was just a matter of understanding her, and loving her back.

 _There's so many things that I should have said._

* * *

 **Lyrics quoted from "December" - Neck Deep**


End file.
